I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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