Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I came so hard my ears popped.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
