I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize