sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize
