dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
