I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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