Your dad touched me again.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Randomize
