I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
