I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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