So I think I might still secretly love him despite the ass licking...
Hey ass licking is a very nice and intimate thing! Don't discredit your feelings
But what if he licks everyones ass?
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
