Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
