porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
