I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
