I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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