Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
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