Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
