She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
