Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
