Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
