Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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