last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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