11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
