3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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