Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Randomize
