At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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