Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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