There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
