Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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