Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
third nipple confirmed
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
