I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
