She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
