maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
He? As in you personified your dick?
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
