I accidentally had phone sex last night
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
The feeling are messing with the penis
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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