i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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