Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
