I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
