I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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