Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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