i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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