Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
