ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
