"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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