dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Randomize
