Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Randomize
