why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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