Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
