NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
