My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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