he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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