: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
