Plan B is the new Plan A
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize