hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I can't turn off my feet"
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
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