Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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