she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Randomize
