Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
