I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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