She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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