pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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